I recently gave a copy of “Engaging the Dragon: A Man’s Guide to Happiness in the Garden of Eden,” by North Tahoe author and psychologist Richard H. Gatley, to a dear friend to show off my design work, and also to casually encourage him to take a step in improving his contentious relationship with his longtime girlfriend. It worked! He wrote to me: “By the way … started reading Gatley’s book … brilliant. I feel like he’s really speaking to me!”
Written directly to and for men, Engaging the Dragon focuses on the typical behavior men engage in that often sabotages their relationship with their partner, especially when they are trying their hardest to be helpful, to be a hero. It is outrageously funny at times, deeply personal at others, and impossible to stop reading.
Through vignettes compiled from the author’s 50 years of couples’ therapy work, poetry, and quotes, and the most up-to-date research on marital conflict, Dr. Gatley — who was the chief psychologist at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Santa Rosa — guides the reader to recognize himself, meet his fears head-on, and find a successful path to navigate pitfalls when dealing with conflict and simple day-to-day communication. Husbands and wives will discover and begin to understand what they are actually up against when they try to talk to each other — astounding physiological differences in dealing with the disastrous disparities in each other’s confrontational styles. We will learn how not to blame each other and focus instead on how to recognize and cope with our differences.
Each lesson depicted in Engaging the Dragon is beautifully illustrated by Dr. Gatley’s brother, and former Disney art director, Eric Gatley. These whimsical, detailed drawings capture the essence of the conflicts men and women regularly face. My favorite, found in Chapter 13: The Fix-It Prescription, shows a guy contently hammering away and “fixing” his bride, completely oblivious to the fact that she’s horrified.
Men are typically “fixers,” while women really just want them to listen. “If I wanted him to fix my problem I would say so,” one wife complains in a particularly poignant therapy session. Gaining the courage to do nothing but just sit there and listen, and recognize what your spouse is saying is one of many truly blessed gifts offered by Engaging the Dragon.
While I was reading certain chapters, my initial reaction was “wait a minute, that’s me,” followed by, “how could that be? I’m not a guy.” Many of the problems that men face when engaging the opposite sex may be typical, but they are not unique to men — and, in turn, the descriptions in the book of women’s behavior are not unique to women. The wonderful discovery one makes when reading this book is that Engaging the Dragon speaks to parts of us all. Although directly addressed to men, this book is a guide for all people in every relationship — whether heterosexual or same-sex, all couples grapple with the same types of issues, and both men and women can benefit from reading this book.
Dr. Gatley offers a quote from “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke on the very first page of the book: “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses [or princes] who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” This quote highlights two underlying themes of this book — beauty and courage — and Dr. Gatley helps us to find both of these, ultimately leading us to achieve happiness in the Garden of Eden.
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