Mountain Mix
A mixology of high altitude gadfly gossip for oxygen starved brain cells.
There hasn’t been much gossip as of late to distill into my usual hack, so with the merrymaking season upon us, and as a holiday gift to you, I’ve provided some great toasts to ensure bountiful laughter and repeat invites to parties.
According to my not overly in-depth research, the word ‘toast’ is derived from the Roman custom of adding a dollop of burnt bread to cheap wine before drinking an offering to the emperor, which was required by law. Apparently, the bread was to absorb bad tasting contaminants, and those that enjoy wine in a box might want to consider this trick.
Of course, you know popular multi-cultural toasts such as: Bottoms up! Cheers! Salut! L’Chaim! Skal! Prosit! A votre santé! But let’s look at some of the world’s more cheeky sayings.
Two of America’s greatest humorists leave us with this thought provoking prose:
I love to drink martinis.
Two at the very most.
Three I’m under the table.
Four I’m under the host!
~ Dorothy Parker
’Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
~ W.C. Fields
Even the Bible gets in on the act:
Eat thy bread with joy,
and drink thy wine with a merry heart.
~ Ecclesiastes 9:10
Of course, leave it to the Brits and the Irish to give us some of the spiciest toasts in the world:
Here’s to the perfect girl,
I couldn’t ask for more.
She’s deaf n’ dumb and oversexed,
and owns a liquor store.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!
Here’s to Hell!
May we have as good a time there as we had getting there!
There are only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish and those who wish they were.
Here are a few notable mentions:
May your liquor be cold,
May your women be hot.
And may your troubles slide off of you
slicker than snot.
A Merry Christmas this December
To a lot of folks I don’t remember.
As you slide down the banister of life,
May the splinters never point the wrong way.
Now, I do recommend that you employ some caution before blurting out a toast this holiday. Believe it or not, there are actually people in the world who have no sense of humor or who are looking for ways for you to ‘offend’ them. However, if using any of the above doesn’t improve your social standing nor draw peals of laughter, you are hanging out with stiffies and need a new crowd. So here’s to you mates. The Mix wishes you a happy merry Kwanza Christmas Hanukkah Ho Ho Festivus Solstice.
~ Bad news? Juicy gossip? Ridiculous trivia? Got a tidbit for The Mix? Send to mix@moonshineink.com. We’ll take it, distill it, and uncork pure nonsense.
