They called it a near miss, but I called it a sign, a miracle if you will. I never believed in miracles. At least not the ones shouted from behind a pulpit and drilled into our everyday lives, like a promising vaccination against all the ailments of the world. To me religion had presented itself like a bad television series using so called ‘miracles’ to boost its failing ratings. I had been told I had lost my faith, but you can’t lose something you never really had.
I was on vacation in Thailand, a brief release from the enduring pressure of the corporate lifestyle. I had traveled alone this time. Something I had been doing more of lately. I felt the need to find some piece of myself, not necessarily missing, just undiscovered. This had caused the end of my four-year relationship. Lorraine just could not understand my sudden need for solitude, and I could not find the words to explain it.
The morning was fresh, the sun vibrant and alive. I stood on the balcony of my hotel room struggling with the questions that would plaque the remainder of this trip (or so I thought): Why am I here? Why did I leave Lorraine behind? What was this missing piece?
That’s when I heard the screaming, the commotion from the beach below. I saw people running, then looked towards the ocean. That’s when I saw the wall of water glistening in the sun.
I cannot remember my initial reaction, only the water rushing over me and pulling me under. I flayed about, forgetting how to swim. My lungs ached with the primal need for air. I was immersed and all I could think was ‘I cannot die, I cannot die.’ My mind was confused. Which way is up and what is down? I need to breathe…
The water was filled with debris, blocking the majority of my vision. Then I caught sight of what seemed to be a chair. It was suspended for a moment then it slowly began to sink. Suddenly my confusion faded and I began to swim in the opposite direction. I forced my way up and broke through the water, mercifully filling my lungs with air. I marveled at the fact that I was alive, but soon realized my struggle was not over. I looked around and could not find the shore, I needed something to hold on to, to help me stay afloat. There was a palm tree about 30 yards from me. It was mostly immersed only the fronds were visible. I swam to it with all that I had left and wrapped my arms around it. My head throbbed and I could taste blood in my mouth, but I was alive.
The water had begun to recede, at first a gentle pulling, then growing stronger. I could feel debris crashing against me, as I struggled to keep my grip. I closed my eyes not wanting to see what would pass. This did not save me from the reality though. I felt what I thought to be hair brushing against my arm. When I opened my eyes, a lifeless hand was toward me with empty wanting. I watched the body float away too numb to react.
Once the waters had receded, all that remained was waist deep. I let go of the tree and followed the few other humans I could see in the distance. I saw what was once my hotel, and now was merely wreckage. I had no sense of where I was going, only the need to be out of the water. I walked almost aimlessly, occasionally tripping on hidden debris. I was lost in my own head, struggling with disbelief, when I heard something amazing. Perhaps I was imagining things, this couldn’t be possible. I followed the sound, maybe it was a bird.
I came to the source of the sound and stumbled upon a mattress.
It was there that I found her, a tiny little miracle. She lay in the center of the mattress cooing, this tiny baby only about six months old. She was so calm and seemingly unaffected. I reached for her and she came into my arms without resistance. To my amazement she was completely dry! She had floated on this mattress unaffected by the water and the chaos around her.
Her life had been spared, while so many had been taken. This was a sign that revealed for a moment so much that was unknown. All that I had questioned was there in her eyes. The piece that I was missing? I felt it was discovered, uncovered, right there. Hope, for the first time in my life I felt it. As I cradled this baby in my arms I was overwhelmed with it. I had been baptized and my eyes had finally opened.
