‘Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.’ ~ Matt Groening
If there’s one thing I have learned about Christmas and families, it is that hardly anyone wants to spend Christmas with theirs. My husband and I had made the not-so-difficult decision to forgo seeing either one of our nutty clans this holiday season. In the end, my family made the biggest stink about not seeing their grandbaby. They prayed a Novena to the patron saint of ‘getting people on planes to see their families,’ and threw in a few tears for good measure. I could have certainly lived without seeing them for a couple of decades or so, but not having them see their offspring’s offspring seemed cruel.
Sure, they make me want to stand in front of oncoming traffic, but why should that be my kid’s problem?
Every family has their issues and mine is no different, but somehow spending time with them seems worse than what other people have to endure when they spend time with theirs. I know part of this is my fault. I don’t know if I watched too much T.V. as a kid or what, but I think I always wanted a family that was somewhat Cleaverish. Instead I have a mother that is severely passive-aggressive, a father who is in denial most of the time, and a sister that has anger management issues and would pick a fight with a priest if she felt so inclined. I look at these people and wonder, ‘when are they going to spring the news I’m adopted so this all makes sense?’ You know what though, they probably feel like they got gypped too. I am a total realist. I tell it like it is and that’s a big problem if you’re from a family that never likes to underestimate the power of avoidance. To them I am ‘difficult’ and ‘high maintenance.’ For a long time, I believed this about myself, until one day I realized that everyone in my family is far dumber than I. This awareness brought some comfort, but it’s about as fun as being the only sober person at a party.
After I graduated from high school, I traveled to the other side of the country to attend college. New York seemed about as far as one could get from California, and I was comforted by the reality that my family would never drop by on weekends. I remember being delighted to be rid of them, yet I still missed them – tremendously. My relationship with my family has always been like one you might have with a crazy ex-boyfriend. You swear them off, vowing never to be the other half of that insanity again, only to call them up a day or two later professing your love and wondering how you ever thought you could live without them.
I have yet to meet anyone who really gets along with his or her family. Most people wouldn’t be friends with the people they’re related to, yet they still opt to spend holidays, vacations, birthdays and other joyous events with people they can barely tolerate. I once knew a woman who complained about her family to her therapist so much, the therapist now had beef with these people. The woman became defensive, and quit therapy. We love and loathe these people all at the same time. A family can crush your spirit, build you up, support you, love you, betray you, misunderstand you or bring you joy unlike any other group of people in the world. You could have better relationships with your girlfriends, more love from your spouse, and greater appreciation from your children, yet somehow none of these people could ever touch you the way your mother does. Yes, your very own passive-aggressive, martyred, critical mother. There is a reason New Year’s and its resolutions come right after Christmas. It is a time to reflect on what you will do differently in the coming year. Will this be the year you will refrain from flipping off your own grandmother? Perhaps it will be the year you will forgive your family for messing you up, and congratulate yourself for making you better. The family is comedy and tragedy all in one, and perhaps nobody can describe it better than the way the late, great, Erma Bombeck:
‘The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.’
Happy New Year!
