There is a song I always liked about last names. It was never a huge hit on the country charts, but it told the story of a boy growing into a man and the significance of his last name. The song begins with the young boy punching a bully for making fun of his surname and ends with the boy becoming a man who gives the most precious gift he can to his new bride—not riches or fame because the young man possesses none of these things—he gives her his last name. That part of the song always made me sigh heavily—it’s so romantic. But what happens when your other half doesn’t want your last name?
I’m not going to lie to you; I liked my maiden name better than my married name. There’s nothing spectacular about Brooks. It’s not as vanilla as Smith or Jones, but it lacks the pizzazz my maiden name had. My family name has an X in it, which always made me feel like I sizzled when I said it. It had a sort of mysteriousness or naughtiness that you just don’t get from other names. It had flare. Plus, nobody west of West Virginia had my last name except my parents. It was rare and that made it all the more precious to me. Nevertheless, when I met and fell in love with my husband, there was no question I would join the herd of Brooks’ out there.
I’m not sure if more women have hyphenated names or more woman have chosen to keep their maiden names in Truckee than in other parts of the country, but there sure do seem to be a lot of chicks that utilized the power of veto when it came to taking their man’s last name. I have a handful of girlfriends that opted not to take their husbands last name, and though I think highly of these women, I think less so of their decision. We’ve agreed to disagree on this topic, but I have tried to understand their point of view. Most of them give me one of four responses:
1. I hate his last name.
2. I am a professional and my name is my brand. If I change my last name, people won’t know it’s me and I will lose business.
3. I don’t want to lose myself.
4. It’s too much trouble.
In my humble opinion, these responses are complete bunk. Look, you’re either in or you’re out when you get married; not taking the last name is the same as having one foot out the door. Who cares if you don’t like your husband’s last name, you like him, right? A last name is one of those things that comes along with the territory. It’s part of the deal– similar to a hairy back. No woman prefers a man with a hairy back, but you get used to it after a while because you wrap your head around the fact it’s not an a la cart item.
Unless your name is Calvin Klein, I don’t get the brand thing. I’m a professional and changing my name was about as hard as getting new letterhead and business cards. If you have a secretary with half a brain she will probably relay the message to your clients, and I seriously doubt any of then will hold it against you or be inconvenienced by it in any way.
If you don’t want to lose who you are I strongly suggest you don’t get married in the first place. You’re going from single to married, from a reservation for one to two. There is no going back to the old you after marriage and there’s certainly no going back after kids. Marriage changes you, mostly for the better, but once you enter into such a sacred union you learn things about yourself and your spouse that promote growth and acceptance if you’re going to live a long happy life together. Changing is the point.
Assuming you were not born yesterday, you must know that going to the Social Security office and DMV to get a couple of new cards is cake compared to planning a wedding. I’m not suggesting it’s fun: everyone agrees the prerequisite for working at either two of these government agencies is to be disgruntled, officious, and otherwise completely unsatisfied with being alive, but it’s not hard work to get there and get what you need.
Now that I have you on my side, there is one last bone to pick about last names: if you get divorced, give it back. If you hate your partner so much that you are willing to move out of your house, split your assets and see your kids every other weekend, ditching the last name is, again, cake in comparison. If you despise your ex, why would you want to keep it, and if your ex left you, keeping his last name won’t bring him back. None of my divorced girlfriends went back to their maiden names, and I have never understood this.
If you were one of the brave women that took your husband’s last name, especially if it is something really horrific like Buttkiss or Toejam, I commend you. You did it with love, you did it with honor and by gosh I’m sure you did it with a sense of humor.
