One day, last spring, I was working out at the gym, contemplating the sorry state of my marriage. My husband and I weren’t communicating. I got into a conversation with the woman working out beside me about why couples fall out of love and about how our recurring arguments, little things that escalate to gargantuan proportions (like my leaving opened packets of artificial sweetener on the kitchen counter) aren’t what they appear to be. They go much deeper.
My messenger was Tanzy Maxfield, and she and her life partner Rolf Godon Ph.D., facilitate a couples’ workshop in Truckee called ‘Getting The Love You Want.’ Their next retreat happened to be on my seventh wedding anniversary. Knowing this was no coincidence; I called my husband and suggested we attend the workshop.
Tanzy and Rolf’s relationship had been on the same slippery slope when they saw a television program with Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., innovator of Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) and author of ‘Getting the Love You Want.’ He was teaching couples effective ways to communicate through structured dialogues. ‘This is it. This is what we need,’ Tanzy told Rolf.
Imago Relationship Therapy is based on the idea that we choose partners who match our (unconscious) composite image of our primary caregivers (the IMAGO) and that we have chosen our partners to help heal and finish the unfinished business of childhood. When we make a commitment to this person we move into a necessary power struggle because inevitably, our partner is incompatible with us and least able to meet our needs and most able to hurt us. The information we need for growth is imbedded in our frustrations. The goal of IRT is to align our conscious mind, which wants happiness and good feelings, with the agenda of the unconscious mind, which wants healing and growth.
Tanzy and Rolf committed to working from ‘Getting the Love You Want’ every Sunday morning. Rolf, a licensed psychologist, got so excited about the transformation in their relationship, he decided to bring what they found to the community and committed to training as an Imago Relationship Therapist. Tanzy joined him to support his dream, also receiving training as a workshop presenter. They have been facilitating the workshop for about 13 years now and continue to grow and deepen their own relationship by ‘walking the walk.’ They help couples through the intimacy and respect-building process by presenting the material to the group with warmth, humor and personal experience. Couples have space to do their own work privately. The workshop will benefit anyone who walks through the door, whether it’s a couple in the throes of new love, looking for tools to use before they get into trouble, a couple that’s been together for 35 years wanting to rejuvenate passion, or a couple that has separated and wants to have a better divorce for the benefit of their children.
‘If you want to put your money and your time into making a happy relationship, this would be great work, rather than being angry, upset and unhappy. It is time being in communication, enjoying each other and healing,’ Tanzy said.
Couples learn how to stop arguing and start communicating with an invaluable tool called a ‘Couples Dialogue,’ a structured conversation which allows the speaker to be accurately ‘heard,’ and requires him/her to express him/herself without any blame or criticism. The listener then validates (doesn’t necessarily agree with) the speaker. Being clearly heard and understood creates safety, which leads to deeper connection and intimacy.
‘Through the safe Dialogue and other tools, we can learn about ourselves and our partner at a deep level. When we feel the empathy and understanding that comes with knowing our partner deeply we very much want to be with them in a way that does not hurt them,’ Rolf explains. ‘So, then we are open to learning new ways of being with one another that are supportive, understanding and connecting.’
With our new understanding we can be free to give each other what we need now to feel safe and loved. Our behavior changes are a gift that comes from the heart, and we will be much less likely to pass on our reactivity to our children once we understand our hot spots.
My husband and I went into the workshop at Rolf and Tanzy’s house on the river as adversaries carrying a lot of baggage, and left transformed, full of compassion and hope, and in love again. It was the best anniversary gift we could have given each other. Christmas is coming. What will you give the one you love?
The next three-day ‘Getting the Love You Want’ couples workshop is December 7, 8 and 9, in Tanzy and Rolf’s comfortable living room overlooking the Truckee River. Space is limited to six couples and the cost is $595 per couple. health4couples-bodymind.com, imagotheraph.com, 530-587-2557.
