‘John Gottman is a middle-aged man with owl-like eyes, silvery hair, and a neatly trimmed beard.’ This man, a University of Washington scientist, studies the interactions between couples. If he scrutinizes an hour of conversation between a husband and wife, he ‘can predict with 95 percent accuracy whether that couple will still be married 15 years later.’ That conversation has to be nothing more than light banter. How does Mr. Gottman do it?
It’s not magic; it’s analyzing the ‘fist’ of the relationship, says bestselling author Malcolm Gladwell, in his book ‘Blink.’ The term ‘fist’ comes from the world of Morse Code. While the transmission language has a set of rules – for the dots, dashes and the spaces between – no two people will have exactly the same rhythm. ‘Everyone has a different voice,’ one that emerges organically.
Mr. Gottman says that every relationship also has a fist, ‘a distinctive signature that arises naturally and automatically.’
When photographer Theresa Vargo approached me about doing a project with Moonshine Ink, we tossed some ideas around. An idea crystallized from the discussions – an honest, authentic look at relationships. Hey, why not do a Genuine Valentines piece? She would shoot edgy un-traditional couple photos, and I would interview with the intention of giving quick questions and getting impromptu answers.
Though Theresa and I can’t predict who will be still together after 15 years, we now realize that each of these couples has a ‘distinctive fist.’ That is what we hope to have captured.
~ Theresa and Mayumi
Photos by Theresa Vargo
TheresaVargoPhotography.com
Penny and Bob Fink
Married 40 years ago
Penny has a tendency to take the family on wild goose chases (but they’re not really wild, she says, as they often find what they’re looking for and experience something special along the way). Two examples: when the family was in Sweden and the kids were young, she heard of place you could see wild reindeer. So they piled into a car and drove up and down beautiful hills on dirt roads, searched and searched but no reindeer. Then in Italy, Penny had read about this restaurant in the Chianti area, so again they got into the car. They drove and drove. It had been raining, the red clay roads were sopping wet, and Bob was completely disbelieving that there was any restaurant. But eventually they found a farm that doubled as a restaurant. Turns out the restaurant was up on a hill with a beautiful view looking down into a lovely valley. Plus it was Sunday afternoon, which they hadn’t known was a huge deal in Italy and they had a marvelous lunch. Penny says of her chases: ‘You might have to go up and down all these dirt roads, but you have fun along the way, and you get some place neat.’
Who brought home the dog?
Bob: We went together to Euram Kennels in North Red Rock, north of Reno, where this German woman has been breeding Bernese Mountain Dogs for many years on a 60-acre ranch. The process to adopt one of her dogs was lengthy: she had you make a video of your home and did interviews with you! We got Chessie [short for Chesterfield] when we retired, so we had a lot of time in raising her and she relates to both of us.
Penny: On our first trip to Europe we were staying at a lodge in Grindelwald, at the foot of the Eiger when we met a Bernese Mountain Dog for the first time. [The couple was in the canton of Bernes, where the versatile farm dog originated.] We loved the dog! It took us another 10 years before we got one. The breed is more independent than a lot of other breeds.
What makes you happy in this relationship?
Bob: She has been my best friend for a long time. We were both in the same profession – in the computer industry – and we would both come home and talk about our days. We could relate to each other. By the time we were retired, we had a combined 75 years of experience.
Penny: Companionship. Our traveling, especially our bicycling trips. On our first ride, we went from Venice to Pisa. I was horrified and terrified. I couldn’t even bike to the end of the road. The group leader said, ‘Don’t worry. Every grandmother bikes here.’ And it’s very true!
Who is more patient?
Penny: Not him.
What wisdom have you learned from your partner that you plan on passing on?
Penny: He plans more than I do. And he’s much better with the accounting part of things.
Bob: You’re happy to pass that on, aren’t you? She keeps me honest. The big thing I learned is patience and tolerance.
What is love?
Penny: Love is tolerance.
Bob: Learning how to live with someone and loving them for who they are. Sharing…
Penny: Enjoyment
Bob: Shared enjoyment!
How do you keep it alive?
Bob: Go in the hot tub every night.
Penny: Caring about the little things as well as the big. Going out for a nice, slow, relaxed dinner occasionally, just the two of you. Being true to yourself and not compromising your values. (Because it’s a real killer otherwise.)
Lolly Kupec and Ed Miller
Married 34 years ago
The first thing that Ed and Lolly said (well, after they talked about their BMW motorcycle) was that they are best friends. They believe if you aren’t friends, a marriage does not work. Their opinion is convincing as they both had ‘practice marriages.’
In 1976, the two were living on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, when they decided to jump into their Volvo with a dog and a cat, and set out to find their new home. The couple drove cross-country for four months, crisscrossing east to west, north to south and back again, testing the ‘climate’ and narrowing in on their needs — mountains and water. They found Tahoe and have been living here ever since, for 33 years.
‘Being an Easterner has faded,’ Ed says.
What about your partner makes you smile?
Lolly: Ed is silly! At 2 o’clock in the morning, he’ll suddenly start singing…
(Ed: I write songs in different languages that aren’t real – such as Estonian Knitting Ditties, Mongolian Monkey Mourning Mass, and Bulgarian Honey Harvesting Melodies.)
Ed: Her unlimited creativity and the fact that she laughs at my jokes.
What is most patient?
Ed: Lolly.
What initiated the relationship?
Ed: Lolly did! We were hanging out with some friends and someone asked Lolly what she was doing for New Year’s Eve. She said ‘Going out with Ed.’
Who brought home the dogs and cats?
Lolly: When we were first living together, Ed had a dog. But since then we usually rescue cats and always go together to see them.
Ed: We’ve got two dogs and four cats buried beneath Jesus (points to their side yard) out there.
How do you handle disagreements?
Lolly: I pretend to let him win.
Ed: We’re both demonstrative and would have extreme yelling fights.
Lolly: People asked how we keep together and we’d say, ‘We fight well.’
Ed: The real fine art is living and working together. We turn off work after 5 p.m.
Lolly: That’s a rule!
Ed: We’re together more than most married couples.
Lolly: We go out and people ask, ‘Don’t you want to sit next to Lolly?’ No, we’re together most of the time.
What is love?
Ed: Unconditional understanding and joy
Lolly: Friendship.
Ed: Squared!
How do you keep it alive?
Lolly: You have to love yourself.
Ed: Yeah, you have to take care of yourself. Humor is also important. As well as liking the same things – we both like TV cop shows and crossword puzzles.
Lolly: Almost anything can be romantic, not just flowers and chocolate. For our 30th anniversary, Ed gave me a chainsaw and I loved it!
Suki and JJ Morgan
Married 12 years ago
Originally Suki and JJ were friends who worked together at the Up & Down Club in San Francisco. JJ owned the club and she was a waitress; poking fun at each other was the name of the game. One example: all the waitresses would drink from straws so as not to mess up their lipstick. JJ, who often worked as the bartender, would put Tabasco in Suki’s drink, knowing it would settle to the bottom and come rarin’ right up that straw when she took a sip. Those were the days.
When the romantic fun started, the sparks were fast and furious. They were together for only two months and three weeks before they got married on the inviting Caribbean island of Anguilla. It’ll be 13 years of marriage in April.
Who wears the pants?
Suki: Me.
JJ: Kingston (their 11-year old son)
What about your partner makes you smile?
Suki: His sense of humor, except when he acts like he is 12. And the way he took care of me when I was ill (she is recovering from cancer).
JJ: I love listening to her and Kingston having a conversation, just talking about life.
Who brought home the dogs?
Suki: JJ did! He had a schnauzer when he was younger, named Topsy. So when he saw an ad for schnauzers in Reno, we went to see them. This old lady came out of her home with squirt bottles, squirting the dogs. Mambo [their dog] was the runt – he only weighed 3 1/2 pounds. I knew we had to take him home.
Then a few years later after having said that we were only going to have one dog, JJ emails me a photo of a Humane Society dog and said, ‘Isn’t he cute?’
What makes you happy in this relationship?
JJ: That she’s alive and with our family of five. She’s cool and human – it wasn’t her money – and made me feel at ease being around her.
Suki: It was pretty easy since we were friends first… What I love about JJ is his integrity, loyalty to his family, his very unique sense of style and the way he does business. He is a good, good person. He’s also fairly shy which most people don’t believe.
What is love?
JJ: It’s not what anybody thought it was.
Suki: Communication and respect. You’ve got to nurture it, like when you’re building a fire – you’re twirling that stick, you put a little moss in it, you have to do some serious nurturing. It’s accepting a person for who they are. Above all, you have to have fun.
How do you keep it alive?
Suki: I suppose it’s kind of exactly the same thing that makes it what it is – communication, respect, and just sticking by each other when things are really rough and tough and not ideal.
JJ: Be the best person you can be. That makes love come out.
Jennifer Lansink and Alex Gutt
Married six months ago, together (mostly) for 10 years
After years of impatiently waiting for Alex to ask the big question, Jen had an epiphany while they were vacationing on the Italian Riviera and she realized she had ‘let go’ of any expectation. That night as they walked down a beach at 3 a.m., they climbed up a lifeguard stand. Alex started heading down then pulls out the ring and said, ‘You’re my princess…’
When talking about the night, Alex said, ‘She never said yes.’ Jen said ‘Yes I did! I just kept saying ‘Are you sure? Are you sure?’’
Wanting to cherish two more weeks to themselves, they sent postcards to family and friends that said simply, ‘On the Italian Riviera, Alex asked… and Jen said yes.’
Who initiated the relationship?
Jen: We met at a dinner party, where Alex was alone and I had a date. Alex is an incurable flirt (so am I) and we flirted ‘in a friendly manner.’ But after an email exchange, Alex asked me out for a beer.
‘I don’t do beer,’ I responded, ‘how about coffee?’
‘The only coffee I’ll do with you is on a beach in Hawaii,’ he said.
It was then that I knew what I was dealing with…
What inspires you about your partner?
Alex: Her curiosity. I’ve always been someone that believes you’re not living if you’re not learning, and Jen’s curiosity trumps mine by a ton. She’s open to everything.
Who is more patient?
Jen: Alex. Out of this world more!
What wisdom have you learned from your partner that you plan on passing on?
Jen: He’s taught me more than anything how to completely be a friend and to be forgiving.
Who brought home the cat?
Jen: Me. It was actually one of the big fears Alex had about our relationship. I got Willow when I was living in Laguna Beach – that’s an interesting story in and of itself. Anyway, we did this ritual where we sat on the beach in Laguna Beach. Both of us drew pictures of things that made us nervous then we let it wash away. One of the things he drew was a cat… But now one reason I know he’d be a good father is because of the way he is with Willow. When she walks into a room, he says, ‘Hi Beautiful.’
How do you handle disagreements?
Jen: I yell, slam doors, then talk about it. Alex is patient with me. But seriously, when something bothers us and is festering, we make appointments with each other to talk about it.
Mayumi: How did you come up with this idea?
Alex: I just didn’t talk about things and it bothered her. I’m fine with talking but it’s too much to walk in and lay it all out at once.
Jen: It took him two years once to tell me I did something he didn’t like. When he finally told me, I was crying and said, ‘Don’t hold onto something. If that thing is a pebble of sand and is held in, it becomes a mountain for one person yet is still a pebble of sand for the other.’
Anything Else?
Jen: We don’t have a perfect relationship. We have a real honest relationship.
