So often when we encounter a ‘difficult person’ in our lives, we think the difficulties arise from the side of the other person. Buddha taught that the difficulty actually is arising from our own side and is not an inherent quality of the person who is confronting us. Our experiences with other people come from the karma that we have each accumulated in the past and since we have all done virtuous and non-virtuous actions, Buddha taught that we will experience good and bad effects in the future as a result.
n this article, I’ve decided to focus on our relationships with people we love deeply as they are the ones who often cause the greatest degree of suffering. The teachings come from Bodhisattva Langri Tangpa, an eleventh century Buddhist Master from Tibet, in his composition, ‘Eight Verses of Training the Mind.’
First Tangpa explains that most of our relationships are based on a mixture of love and attachment. This is not a pure love as it is mixed with a desire for that person to make us happy. Pure love has no attachment and is solely concerned for the other person’s happiness. If we only care about others’ happiness, then when we face difficulties with them, there would be no basis for our own suffering. So our first teaching is that we need to learn to separate love from attachment in our relationships. Our love will always be beneficial and will only cause happiness whereas our attachment (thinking ‘what can they do for me’) will only cause suffering. This removal of attachment from our relationships is a gradual process that will come through familiarity, introspection and meditation.
Secondly, we need to transform the difficult situation. When things are going well in our relationships and others are doing what we want them to do, it is easy to love and cherish them. When the opposite occurs and our feelings towards them diminish, this shows our love is weak and unstable. It is inevitable that relationships will be difficult at times and we need to channel our feelings in a positive direction when this occurs. Langri Tangpa taught that when these difficulties occur, we need to see the other person as our spiritual teacher who is reminding us that in the past we have harmed and deceived others and they are encouraging us to purify our negative past actions and to refrain from negative actions in the future. By thinking this way, we can take a situation when we may have gotten angry or discouraged and instead turn it into a purification practice.
Lastly, there is the mind of patient acceptance. According to my teacher, Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, patience is a mind that happily accepts difficulties and harm from others. Not a very common sight to find in our world today but extremely helpful and beneficial to all who experience it. A person with a patient mind has the ability to stay calm even when faced with extreme difficulties. As I have studied these teachings over the years, my patient acceptance has gradually increased and without question, I’ve found that meditation is extremely beneficial for increasing this skill.
In conclusion, Buddha’s teachings can help us find happiness and peace by shifting the object of our attention away from ourselves and towards others. It seems so simple to understand, yet not always easy to execute. This is where studying and applying Buddha’s teachings to our daily life, combined with meditation, come in.
~ Leisa Peterson lives in Truckee with her family: Tim, Zoe and Aidan. Leisa teaches meditation classes on using Buddha’s teachings to help solve our human problems. For information on class times and locations, contact her at 530-448-1558.
